Wild Wing Boys!
by Zangai
Summary: Set 30 Years after Endless Waltz- Middle-aged Gundam Pilots trying to manage a rescue mission... Rawr. (Slight Yaoi)
1. Default Chapter

_EHN EHN EHN EHN EHN_—

_  
  
_Duo Maxwell gave a groan, bed springs creaking in protest as he flopped over, burying his head as far into the mattress and under his pillows as possible.

_  
  
EHN EHN EHN EHN EHN EHN_— 

_  
  
_A calloused, permanently oil-stained hand snaked out of the cocoon of sheets, blankets, scraps of paper, socks, and day-old pizza to slap around, finally hitting the OFF button on the alarm clock, and ending that wretched buzzing sound.

_  
  
_Time to start yet another day, one that would no doubt be filled with many broken down hunk'o'junk cars, microwaves, TVs, stereos, and any other household appliance that really should just be trashed, but for one reason or another, the owners brought to his Fix It Garage.

_  
  
_Maybe it was a nostalgic attachment to their machinery that brought them to Duo.

_  
  
_More likely, however, it was the fact that they'd actually get to **see** Duo Maxwell, Legendary Hero of the Old Wars, Gundam Pilot Extraordinaire, and Resident Hermit of Colony L2.

_  
  
_So what if Duo didn't like to leave his home? Food delivery services provided him with ample nourishment—

**_  
  
_[** One only had to take a look at the rotund figure he cut in his customary blue-jean overalls to know he was in no danger of starvation **]**

_  
  
_Working in his scrap-metal yard gave him adequate exercise—

**_  
  
_[ **Don't let the gut fool ya—beneath the faded t-shirts, one could easily see the thick knots of muscles in his shoulders and arms **]**

_  
  
_And any sort of clothing he needed could easily be procured through one of the local stores from the nearby strip-malls—

**_  
  
_[** Though, said overalls and t-shirts were so stained with dirt, grease, and food splatters, that one had to wonder when the last time he'd gone clothes shopping was, exactly. **]**

_  
  
_Back to the present, if you please.

_  
  
_Having somehow found and put on his favorite overalls and boots in the mess he liked to call his 'room' **[ **a bed amid a sea of dirty dishes, dirty linens, old potato-chip bags, half-finished candy-bars, and god knows what else **]**, Duo ambled to the bathroom, scratching at the back of his head, brown braid streaked with a few lines of silver, but just as thick as when he was a kid, and nearly touching the ground.

_  
  
_Letting out a jaw-cracking yawn, he flicked on the light switch in the bathroom and preceded with the average morning rituals— 'relieving' himself, brushing his teeth, etc.

_  
  
_He considered shaving.. Just for a second, mind you, before he thought better of it and instead picked up a small pair of rusty scissors, and trimmed down the coarse beginnings of a beard.

_  
  
_There was no point in shaving these days- by midday, that 5-o'clock shadow would be back anyway. Trimming one's beard didn't require things like soap or a razor, and was actually quicker, in the long run. 

_  
  
_Duo had just finished getting it all down to an even stubble when he heard a beeping.

_  
  
_More like a bleeping, really.

_  
  
_He blinked... It couldn't be... Could it?!

_  
  
_Back in his bedroom, Duo dug through a pile of unmentionable objects, finally producing the flat monitor and small mainframe of his old vidphone **[** you know- that two-way video/phone piece of equipment . **]**

_  
  
_That was odd... His vidphone hadn't rang in what.. 7.. No.. 10 years? Duo didn't give out his number. The device was used only to make outgoing calls to confirm orders he made over the internet.

_  
  
_While he pondered, the thing kept on bleeping. Thankfully, whoever was calling seemed to have anticipated Duo's sluggishness in answering, and didn't hang up.

_  
  
_Duo wasn't so thankful once he flipped it on and saw who it was.

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_"Duo?! What took you so long, you fat, lazy lout?!"

_  
  
_The man stared agape at the screen, more from shock and perhaps disgust, rather than pleased surprise. "Lady... Lady Une?!"

_  
  
_"No, it's the Tooth Fairy... Of course it's me, you half-wit!"

_  
  
_Duo counted himself lucky; though he'd certainly aged, Time had been pretty good to him. The same couldn't be said for Une.

_  
  
_The woman stared out at him from an oversized blue chair, brown hair hid beneath a rather obvious, blond wig. Her chest was withered, her arms poking out like two sticks from beneath the hospital gown she wore, her hands covered in age-spots. And her face.. Dear lord! It was a mess of deep and overlapping wrinkles, her skin sallow and magnified eyes staring out from behind a thick pair of glasses.

_  
  
_"Bet you're wondering why I called you, hmm?" she drawled.

_  
  
_Duo swallowed hard. "Oh... Lady Une... How much longer did they give you to... To live?"

_  
  
_"WHAT?! I'm not dying! I'm still in my prime! Has living cooped up in your hovel on L2 made you retarded, or what?" Une all but crowed.

_  
  
_The former Gundam pilot flinched. Nothing that horrible looking should still be alive.

_  
  
_Age had clearly done nothing to improve her temper. In fact, it seemed like the years had only made it completely intolerable. It was little wonder she hadn't given herself a stroke.

_  
  
_And her insults were starting to sting.

_  
  
_"I called because I've got a mission for you, Maxwell," Une finally stated, after a drawn out, very unfunny **[** for Duo **]**, verbal-abuse involved guessing game that the author shall not bore you with.

_  
  
_"A mission?" Duo echoed dubiously, scratching at one of his stubbly cheeks.

_  
  
_"Yes. A mission, you dunderhead. I would have given it to someone younger, more fit, and perhaps better looking—"

_  
  
_As if the old bag had room to talk about looks...

_  
  
_"But as you know, the Preventers funding isn't what it used to be. So, I can't pay the men I send on this mission. That's where you come in," she said.

_  
  
_Duo scowled wholeheartedly. "Lady, I haven't heard from you or any other of you Preventer folk in damn near a decade. Why the hell would I do a mission for you, for **free**, no less?"

_  
  
_"Because I **ORDER** you to!!!" Une howled with enough malice to warrant three exclamation points.

_  
  
_". . .Okay. I'm going to disconnect now. Buh-bye," Duo stated flatly, reaching over to cut the power.

_  
  
_"Wait! Don't be hasty! Turning me off now might mean the death of someone close to you... closer than you'd care to admit..." Une whispered cryptically.

_  
  
_Duo paused. The old bat was off her rocker. But, this could prove to be mildly entertaining. "Fine. Enlighten me."

_  
  
_Une grinned, revealing a mouth more full of gum than teeth. "Heero Yuy has been... kidnapped!"

_  
  
_"Riiiight."

_  
  
_"Don't get fresh with me, you slob! This is no joke. About three months ago, a vessel containing 10 new Preventer recruits went on a training mission.

_  
  
_"Heero Yuy, a.k.a. The Perfect Soldier, a.k.a. The Ice Prince, a.k.a. The Black Hole, a.k.a. Self-Destruct-o, alias Mr. Goodbar, was a hired instructor on that ship. It was attacked, and though the recruits made it back to dock, Heero didn't.

_  
  
_"After an investigation, it was found that Relena Peacecraft, a.k.a. Queen Relena, a.k.a. Heero Yuy's #1 Fangirl, a.k.a. Psychotic Stalker, alias The Pink Princess, has taken him prisoner, and is keeping his against his will on Colony XL693882991... L69, as most civilians call it."

_  
  
_Duo, having been forced to hold in his snickering throughout that short speech, was now turning an alarming shade of purple.

_  
  
_"Your mission is find those other three washed-up Gundam pilots, and set out with them to retrieve him at once!"

_  
  
_"Okay. Let me recap," Duo said, taking a few deep breaths and wiping the laughter-tears from his eyes. "The Pink Princess somehow managed to capture Mr. Goodbar and has now taken him half-way across the galaxy to a colony whose name happens to have an over-obvious sexual innuendo."

_  
  
_"...That is correct," Une replied, nodding.

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_"BAH-HAHAHAHAHAAAA!" the braided man guffawed, falling over.

_  
  
_"Stop laughing, you uneducated baboon! This is **NOT A JOKE**. We fear that Relena has been using drugs and conditional training to create the ideal Heero Yuy of her diabolic dreams. In short, she is **REPROGRAMMING** him."

_  
  
_Duo slowly sat back up. "You.. You're serious, then?"

_  
  
_Une sneered. "No shit, Sherlock. And considering the extensive training and programming Dr. J put him through as a child, her 'treatment' could very possibly destroy what little sanity he has left, and render him a Human Vegetable."

_  
  
_"I... I won't let her! That... That little tart! Where's my gun?" Duo promptly stood, violet eyes glazing over. "Howard! Forget the added stealth setting to Deathscythe! I've gotta suit up and ship out! Dammit! Where's my **GUN**?!"

_  
  
_"**SHUT UP YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE OF AN EX-SOLDIER**!" Une shrieked.

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_Duo blinked, coming out of the war-flashback. "Huh?"

_  
  
_"If you're finished with your Senior-Moment, I'll... Oh! Finally!" The loose, wrinkled folds of skin that made up Une's face shifted into what looked like a pleased expression. "My Botox Injections have arrived!"

_  
  
_A young nurse appeared on the screen next to Une, a rather large syringe in her hand.

_  
  
_"Back to what I was saying... Go to the Preventers Base on L2 in 02:00 hours. There, you'll find—" Une stopped, letting out a scream of pain as the nurse stuck the needle into her top lip. "**YOU BITCH**!! **THAT HURT**!!"

_  
  
_"Beauty is pain, Ms. Une!" the nurse chirped, removing the needle and looking for the next spot to target.

_  
  
_Duo felt nauseous as he watched Une's top lip tighten and pucker out like a duck's bill. 

_  
  
_"There, you'll find a ship, and data regarding the locations of Trowa Barton, Quatre Winner, and Chang Wufei. Once you have them, set out for L69. Proceed at your own discretion. Should you be captured, I **won't** be sending anyone in to rescue you," Une finished, letting out another squeal like a speared pig as the nurse injected the chemicals into his forehead.

_  
  
_Taking care not to look at Une's unnaturally taut and swollen face, Duo nodded, flipping off the vidphone just as the nurse started to lower the old witch's hospital gown, narrowly avoiding an image that would have left him mentally scarred him for the rest of his life.

_  
  
_"Alrighty. So I've got to round up the other guys and go save Heero... It'll be just like old times!" Duo said to himself, pulling out a trunk from beneath a pile of dirty laundry.

_  
  
_Opening it, he carefully removed his most prized possessions: two handguns **[** an old model, quite outdated **]**, a cartridge of bullets **[** good thing he kept that, it would have been impossible to find ammunition for the guns.. unless he robbed a museum **]**, and one intact, pseudo-priest outfit.

_  
  
_Letting out a happy sigh, he quickly stripped off his overalls, leaving him standing there in just his boots, heart-print boxers, and dingy t-shirt. Grabbing the black jacket, he quickly started to tug it on...

_  
  
_It was a good thing Duo really hadn't gotten any taller since his Gundam piloting days... Too bad he'd gained about twenty inches in the waist, however.

_  
  
_Grunting and pulling, squeezing and tucking... It really didn't matter how much he tried to shift around that gut of his- there was no fitting into the get-up he'd been fond of as a teen.

_  
  
_Heaving a deep, less happy sigh than before, Duo put the outfit back in the trunk, put back on his stained, blue overalls, and hid the guns on his person. No use crying over spilled milk, or in this case, his unimpressive figure.

_  
  
_With a determined grunt, Duo slapped on his black cap **[** the only part of his old 'uniform' that still fit **]** and left his home for the first time in over 10 years.

_  
  
_He had a mission to carry out.

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_  


* * *

Hello! This fic is my answer the extreme case of writer's block I've been going through. Hopefully, it will get me motivated to keep going with my other two GW fics **Art of Life** and **Eyes Love You**. 

It's just plain old good fun, I think. I hope you think so too. Either way, **review** and let me know!

Cheers!

--**Zangai**


	2. Chapter 2

**x**

"Easy.. Easy does it, Maxwell... BINGO!"

After a few minutes of self coaching, as living alone for a decade had led to a stronger habit of talking to himself, Duo had successfully landed the vessel on the artificial landscape outskirts of the L3 colony.

Piloting a ship really was like riding a bike- sure, there had been a shaky lift-off **-- **with three crushed civilian SUVs to prove it** --** But in the end, he'd managed to remember just what all the shiny red, white, silver, and green buttons on the control panel did **-- **not counting that blue one he'd pushed; how was he to have known that it would make the sirens on top of the unit start flashing and wailing?

Standing up, and giving a faint wince and grunt as he pressed his back, sighing when it gave more than a few loud cracks, he had to concede that he wasn't used to sitting in a pilot seat for extended periods of time anymore.

No matter. He'd be accustomed to it once more, after this mission was through.

Making sure his gun was secure and out of place, he opened the hatch and climbed out, booted feet sinking in and leaving indentations in the damp soil as he started his trek toward the circus tents in the distance. It looked like L3 was in the middle of it's rainy season. Though the sunlight shown through enough to make it a bright day, it wasn't strong enough to provide any real warmth, and gray clouds loomed on the edge of everything, as though just waiting to make an appearance and start another downpour.

Duo severely hoped the weather would hold until he got Trowa back on the ship. Rain always made his arthritis act up.

After about fifteen minutes, two sweat-drenched handkerchiefs, and a barrel full of bad-words later, he wondered whether L3 had been expanded, and he had missed the memo. Back in his day, the walk from the ship to the circus would have only taken about ten minutes, five if he was jogging...

For some reason, he was only halfway there, and already aching in all the worst places.

Groaning and slouching his way along, his stomach soon joining in and growling with hunger -- he **knew** he should have stopped at that fast-food joint before taking off** --** somehow the older pilot made it to his destination.

Plunking down on an overturned bucket so as to catch his breath, he began mopping once more at his sweaty forehead and all the way down to his neck, curiously surveying the grounds.

Everything looked the same. It was comforting, in a way, to see the same tents that had been up since his younger days and first trip to the circus. Sure, the tarps were fraying along the edges, had been bleached lighter in the sunlight, and were now sporting a multitude of large patches over areas where the material had likely torn, but hell, it was nice to see that some things didn't change!

Smiling absently to himself and starting to stare off into nowhere in particular, he was about to indulge in another one of his favorite flashbacks, but was interrupted.

"Duo? Duo Maxwell? Is that you?" a woman's voice called from behind him, still strong and firm but sounding with the undeniable reverberant of one up there in her years.

Craning his neck to flash a look over his shoulder, his stubbly face broke out into a large grin as he recognized the speaker. "Catherine! Long time no see, eh?" He shuffled a bit, twisting enough on the bucket so that he now faced the knife-thrower, and could get a good look at her.

And she looked.. well. Incredibly well, actually; it had to be the physical lifestyle she led, or maybe it was the constant fresh air and sun. Or maybe it was good genes. Either way, Ms. Bloom looked positively wonderful! Though her wavy, chestnut hair didn't appear quite as full or bouncy **--** then again, it was hard to tell as it was pulled up in a loose bun **-- **and the laugh lines around her eyes and mouth were somewhat more pronounced, she looked almost exactly as he remembered her.

Catherine seemed to feel quite differently about Duo, however. Her eyes widened as she took in the round figure he cut in his stained, blue overalls. "Wow, you've.. um.. changed."

Duo frowned, deciding that her good looks must have been the work of skilled plastic surgeon.

"What **are** you doing here?" she asked after another moment of staring and mouthing the word _wow_.

"Came to see Trowa, actually. He here?" the braided man asked quickly, and trying not to grow too annoyed with the way she was eye-balling him.

Her eyes darkened considerably, and she crossed her arms over her narrow chest, for a brief moment resembling Trowa so much that Duo had to blink to dispel the image. "No. He's not."

"What? What do you mean, he's not--"

"He left the circus about five years ago. I haven't heard from him since. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got floors to sweep and costumes to mend," she snapped, stalking off through the nearest flap in the tent.

What was it with women? Sure, Catherine had never particularly shown any great deal of friendliness toward Duo, but that was plain rude! Maybe all women turned into sour after a certain age.. Or maybe Catherine had been hanging out with Une these past years.. Yeah...

Pondering the dilemma he now faced **--** how the **hell** was he going to track down Trowa? **--** he was so absorbed that he almost didn't notice the sound of a man singing a song obviously intended for a five year old girl, as was apparent by the off-key, high-pitched notes and the fact that the lyrics dealt with rainbows, butterflies, and tea parties.

Before Duo could force himself up to investigate, the source of the disturbance came skipping into view.

And it was all the former 02 Gundam pilot could do not to fall off his bucket.

The slender man was wearing a creamy, pink sun-dress, complete with a matching, white apron decorated with an embroidery of strawberries around the trim, the hem of the ensemble ending around the middle of his thigh. White, lacy knee-highs covered his thin calves, and pair of large, black, maryjane clad his skipping feet. Though his eyes were screwed up tight, and his mouth opened wide as he struggled to sing his song**--**

_"And Mrs. Rabbit passed the jam and Mr. Sun smiled yellow-yellow happy!"_

There was no mistaking who this was, or the cinnamon, one time uni-bang that was now pulled to the middle of his forehead and tied in place by a ribbon that matched the dress he wore.

"Trowa?" Duo rasped out, his eyes seconds away from tumbling out of their sockets, he'd opened them so widely.

The cross-dressed man stopped mid-bounce, arms flailing out at his sides, though he easily maintained balance on one foot, green eyes blinking slowly; it appeared that he too, had either good genes or an incredible plastic surgeon; he looked even better than Catherine! "I'm not Trowa. My name's Tracey." Thankfully, he spoke in his normal voice- it seemed he only sung in a falsetto.

This didn't do much to relieve Duo of his stress. He groaned, head falling into his calloused hands as he took a few deep breaths, trying to think this one out.

Catherine had to have.. Done something, whether it be intentional or accidental, to have caused this**--**

Trowa was currently spinning in circles, staring up at the sky, and had started a new song

Which would explain her lying about Trowa's whereabouts**--**

_"If all the raindrops were lemon-drops and gumdrops! Oh, what a rain that would be!"_

And this definitely changed things. It wasn't a matter of persuading Trowa to undertake this mission to rescue Heero**--**

_"Standing outside, with my mouth open wide! Ah, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah!"_

This was a matter of getting one of his best buddies the hell away from a woman who would teach him such earsplitting songs, and put him in such a god awful dress **--**Trowa's complexion was much more suited for a pale lavender, after all.

"Er.. Trowa? I mean, Tracey?" Duo amended quickly, catching the pout and pointed look the man shot him at the slip.

"Yes, mister?"

"Why don't you come on a walk with me? I can show you my cool space-ship," he offered in overly-friendly tones, thoroughly weirded out by the entire situation.

"M'not s'posed to go anywhere with strangers," Trowa said quietly, fidgeting and wringing his hands.

"Uh... I've got.. Uh..." Duo patted down his overalls, finally producing a melty packet of chocolaty goodies from one of the pockets. "I've got candy!" he said, wiggling the bag in the air.

"M'not s'posed to take candy from strangers, either."

Sighing, he put the bag back in his pocket for later, taking off his black cap and stratching at his graying locks. Different tactics were needed.

"Barton! Chest out and eyes forward! This is no time for singing and dancing! We've got a mission to carry out, so stand at attention!" Duo barked out, slamming his hat back on his head and doing his best to act as he was fairly certain Chang Wufei would in this situation.

It really was a stroke of genius- honestly, Duo wondered why he hadn't ever tried to act more like Wufei in the past. The Chinese man always seemed to know how to take control of the situation, and cow people into obeying his orders.

There was just one tiny problem with the entire equation. Trowa Barton wasn't a cadet who needed to be reprimanded or bullied into order. Trowa Barton was under the impression that he was little Tracey Barton, resident songstress and finger-painter of the L3 circus.

And little girls didn't like being yelled at.

Trowa stood perfectly still for about two seconds, before his eyes welled up with tears, and his lower lip began to quiver.

"Oh. Fuck." Duo paled.

Just as he was sure his friend was going to burst out in loud, noisy bawls, Duo moved forward with more speed than many would attribute his round form, scooped up Trowa like a hunk of scrap metal, and slung him over a shoulder before taking off full speed in the direction of his ship

Catherine yelled obscenities at the fast departing pilot, Duo huffed, puffed, and looked close to cardiac-arrest, and Trowa sobbed pitifully into Duo's braid.

**x**

**x**

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Can't believe I actually updated this one.. I'm not even suffering writers block. Very strange. Oh well! I hope this made you laugh, or at least snicker. 

Reviews are loved.

Cheers!

- **Zangai**


End file.
